…and why it has nothing to do with you…
The chemistry between you is there, the kissing is passionate, but when you get below the belt… NOTHING. You're both nervous and a little embarrassed, and you're left wondering…is it up to you? Is it nerves? Why doesn't your partner care? How can you help him get up and get up next time?
Let's set the scene…
Saturday night, the work week is over and you've finally opened a bottle of wine for some well-deserved relaxation, you've got your new clean, sexy lingerie and play some hot Spotify playlist. Your partner is visiting you and you feel attractive and sexy as you climb on top of him. Nothing can destroy your confidence tonight…
As you unbutton your partner's jeans, you unnervingly discover that nothing is going on down there and it's not what you thought it would be (physically, even if he seems to be totally into everything you're doing). In fact, he's not ripped at all, although it might have seemed different to you as you unbuttoned his jeans.
Your partner's face turns red and you get off of him, confused and embarrassed. Your self-assured sex-goddess power is shattered, and you spend the next day wondering why his boxers didn't turn into a scout tent the night before.
What does it mean when your partner doesn't care?
I've experienced my fair share of bedroom discomforts, from soiled sheets after an anal encounter, to even cases where my partner says he's all ready and in the mood for play, yet his penis is down too – literally.
Initially, these incidents can shake our ego and cause us to question our own expressive sexuality. We can internalize it – we wonder if it's something we did (or have done), if we were too pushy (or not enough) or if our partner just wasn't in the mood for sex.
And it's not that you're not great in bed. Contrary to mainstream beliefs that men are constantly thinking about or wanting sex, the truth is that men too have intertwined physical, mental and emotional reactions. They all affect their body chemistry (whether it's stress, nerves, or excessive drinking!)
In reality, there is no need to fixate on such cases, because ninety-nine percent of the time, the status of their penis has nothing to do with you. This is where the real problem may lie.
Reasons why the partner does not care.
1. Nervousness
It's not that you're not sexy enough for him to get excited about. It might actually be that you're so sexy that makes him nervous. Performance anxiety is one of the biggest contributors to erectile dysfunction.
WebMD says:
"In men, one of the effects of stress hormones is to constrict blood vessels. Less blood flow to the penis makes it harder to get an erection. Even men who normally have no problem getting aroused may be unable to achieve an erection when they are overcome by anxiety about sexual performance."
Essentially, your partner, from so much anticipation of your meeting, ends up getting blocked. He may be bothered by the size of his penis, or afraid that his moves won't impress you, or even afraid that he won't get an erection. By doing so, they turn their fear into reality! An underlying fear, low self-esteem or shame could be affecting his erection (or lack thereof).
2. Too much alcohol
Alcohol is an ironic little elixir that gives us the courage and reduced inhibitions to take a step towards a potential partner. Unfortunately, it immediately nullifies the ability to put our intentions and fantasies into action. There is a phrase called "whiskey penis". To clarify – "whiskey penis" is when your partner drinks too much on your date, the aphrodisiac can become their worst enemy. As noted, when a person experiences an erection, their penis fills with blood and then the vessels close. This prevents backflow, so the penis remains erect. However, a night of heavy drinking prevents those blood vessels from closing, which can result in a flaccid penis.
3. Medicines
Antidepressants can improve a person's mood. But they, unfortunately, can also reduce libido, inhibit bone tissue, or delay or prevent orgasm. In addition to SSRIs, there are a whole host of medications (even over-the-counter medications like antihistamines) that can cause impotence. Sometimes even nicotine can be the culprit!
4. Stress
The mind and body are interconnected, so if your partner is overwhelmed by work problems, life stress or financial problems, he may lose the ability to get or maintain an erection. For some, the extra adrenaline can boost libido. But for many, stress reduces libido and can prevent an erection. Stress releases cortisol and increases blood pressure and cholesterol, all of which can contribute to erectile dysfunction.
5. He's just not in the mood
As we mentioned, men are not non-stop eager for sex, despite the stereotype that exists. Sometimes guys – just like women – just aren't hot. We are so used to this archaic idea that men are ready and willing to have sex every second of every day. But that is simply not the case. He's human too, and his libido ranges in intensity. This has nothing to do with you and your sexiness. It's just how nature works. We all have days when we are more turned on than others, no matter how attracted we are to our partner.
What to do if your partner doesn't care?
The best way to approach a flaccid penis is with understanding. Don't make an issue out of anything or take it personally. Simply tell your partner it's okay and ask what you can do to help. If he's nervous, you can have an open conversation about what you both like and focus on activities that turn you both on, temporarily putting penetration on hold until you're both more comfortable. If your partner is stressed, they may need some time to decompress and relax. They may want to talk to their doctor or get their testosterone levels checked or simply not drink too much alcohol at their next appointment.
In the meantime, you can still explore pleasure together. Whether you want to have fun or explore erotic massages, tantric sex, sensual play – there are so many activities outside of penetration that can engage and distract you, perhaps even more than penetration. It can be really stimulating for your partner to watch you masturbate, or you can try using powerful vibrator! You can try using toys for couples which will bring pleasure to both of you at the same time.
Or you can just leave it all together and save the sexy occasion for another night. This is not your or your partner's fault (neither of you can control biology). So there's no reason to fret about it – simply postpone sex until the next day when the favorable conditions are more favorable!
